I’ve been thinking a lot about human connections lately. Specifically emotional connections to people, as I navigate some rough waters right now.
We tend to pay attention to those that pay attention to us, but most of us never stop to question the motives, intentions, or effects that attention comes along with.
Some of us tend to latch on to people who have the same problems as us, and while it provides some help do we, or can we, stop to consider the damage this can have on our psyche. Will this cause a co-dependency? What labels these relationships as co-dependent vs. healthy, and can we differentiate them from each other? More often than not, we tend not to notice the difference until we remove ourselves from the situation or get involved with something that is definitively healthy. But are people prone to not recognize this until it’s too late, thereby trading players and going through these vicious cycles our entire lives? What causes this?
I do believe it is our innate need for human interaction, attention, acceptance, and love that is the root cause. Many people become blinded to, or ignore the red flags and gut feelings that these relationships can be damaging, and/or toxic for those very reasons. Who doesn’t like being paid attention to? And while it feels like positive attention, it can lead to negative consequences if one isn’t mindful.
What do I mean? That girl/boy you are trying to help through a rough time because they reached out to you. That friend you haven’t talked to in years that contacted you out of the blue. That girlfriend/boyfriend that says nice things to you, but treats you poorly. The friends that seem to only reach out when they need/want something from you. That person that started paying more attention to you because you started to become successful or started to look better. The ex that reached out after years of no contact. While some of these things seem so benign, they can come with motives and intentions by the other person a lot of the time.
We might think it’s so great to hear from someone we haven’t heard from in a long time, or get to know someone new, that we enjoy that new attention so much we don’t even realize they may very well be intending to take advantage, manipulate, or use us for their own benefit or sense of self-worth. These things can also lead to emotional affairs.
Some examples.
A woman complaining about her looks to a man. This happens all the time!! And while some women are genuinely insecure about their looks, there are others who just want to be showered with the attention and compliments to make themselves feel good knowing full well how beautiful they are. I’m a woman, I can say that because I’ve seen it!! And I may have even done it when I was younger. It’s not specific to looks or gender either. It can be about intelligence, accomplishments, etc. I call them praise seekers! You can spot one because they work it in to every conversation. Most people love the attention that they receive from others, whether it be positive attention, or negative attention.
A married man reaching out to a former girlfriend. The days of social media have made this a common occurrence. I know of such a married man who did this on the premise of reconnecting as friends, and ended up leaving his very happy marriage for a former girlfriend due to the attention he felt it provided for him. He got swept up in the new attention he was getting from another woman. He later ended up leaving the girlfriend and going back to the wife years later. Women do this too. Lots of people whether they are in a happy or unhappy marriage/relationship sometimes go outside their partnership to find the attention from others to fill that attention void their not receiving from their partners/spouses. Typically, its ex’s but it can be friends, coworkers, etc.
These are the building blocks of emotional affairs. Especially when we start to share intimate details of our relationships, and our emotions, with others. This can greatly damage relationships if one isn’t mindful or careful, as exampled above. You may think it’s harmless in nature, but emotional affairs are far worse than physical affairs and can escalate quickly. Set boundaries, keep the conversation light, and cut the cord if need be to avoid heading in that direction. These people clearly need to work on themselves to find what they need internally that they are not giving themselves. If you find that you fit this situation yourself and are seeking to fill that void with others, please read my previous blog “You are your own best investment” and get started on filling that void on your own.
Not every person who reaches out or comes into your life is like that though, but its YOUR job to be discerning and mindful that these things happen and that not everyone has the best of intentions. Some might not even be aware that they are doing it either!
That said, I have reached back out to friends in recent years for the sole purpose that I missed their presence in my life. I have never asked anything of them, am mindful of what I say and do so as not to take advantage of them, and genuinely enjoy seeing them and talking to them every now and then to maintain that connection. I have also ended friendships that became co-dependent and toxic as well. People can become addicted to how you make them feel and end up sucking up all of your attention. We can even become addicted to being needed by them! It makes US feel good to help others, which can also prevent us from seeing these things. Some people do not reciprocate those feelings in return however, meaning that they do not provide the same positive effect to you that you do for them, whether it be that they are selfish or self-absorbed, or worse.
You can recognize them when you start to become upset with them for some of the things that they are doing, or not doing, have arguments over nothing, have little annoying things that add up over time, or when you start to compromise your feelings for theirs, start to resent them, and/or no longer enjoy their presence or talking to them. It can be any or all of these things, and its funny how incredibly patient we are with it until it eventually becomes too much for us.
Remember that those friend requests, messages, or interactions could be seem innocuous and pleasant at first, but in time could cause us undue stress.
This isn’t just applicable for adults, this affects all ages! It is prevalent at any age, and we have all experienced it at one point or another. By experiencing these things, we learn how to avoid these situations and also become better at navigating them altogether.
Every experience provides us with growth, and teaches us valuable lessons. We just need to pay attention.
